Emotional Intelligence for Romantic Partners

I once worked with a couple suffering from on-going conflict. As Part of the emotional intelligence assessment, I asked the man, John, to state his primary concerns about his wife’s behavior. He explained that his wife, Katie, would, become wildly emotional and hostile with out provocation. He went on to explain that she was unable to discuss her behavior after the fact or accept responsibility for her harmful words and actions. The woman sat listening attentively and appeared moved by what her husband said. I then continued with the emotional intelligence assessment by asking the woman, Katie, to explain in her own words what her husband’s concerns were about her behavior. As part of a life coaching exercise, Katie explained that John was concerned primarily with her difficulty keeping up with housework, that she had gained weight and was less interested in sex. As she spoke, John looked deflated. When it was pointed out how vastly different these two accounts were, John withdrew and Katy grew angry and felt “ganged up on.”

To understand how these discrepancies develop we must take a look at two toddlers playing in a sand box. From a distance, they seem to be playing nicely together. They both have trucks, they both make vroom vroom noises and both are quiet and happy. We might say that they are “good friends” or that they “play well together.” However, a closer look reveals something different. The children are not exactly playing “together.” Yes, they are both in close proximity to one another. Yes, they both have trucks and therefore share a common interest. Yes, they are both making vroom vroom noises but no, they are not really interacting.

This is what child development experts refer to as “parallel play.” Toddlers are too young to respond to another’s needs or even understand that another person’s perspective is different than their own. Although they play in the same sand box, they do not have the ability to consider the other’s feelings. They both have trucks but the trucks are working separately, engaged in different activities. It requires emotional intelligence skills to make it to the next level of relating to someone else.

Most children learn to develop more complex behaviors that incorporate others into their play. For example, one child plows the road into the village and the other child uses the same road to bring supplies into the village. Another example involves one child driving a toy police car and playing the role of the “cop,” while the other child decides to play the role of the “robber” and gets chased.

The children in these examples are beginning to interact with one another. Building on these skills lead to interpersonal connection. Adults risk feeling judged and rejected when they disclose personal information. When another person acknowledges this vulnerability and responds in a loving and non-judgmental manner, a connection is established. Connections like this lead to trust, intimacy and closeness in relationships. These emotional intelligence skills are the building blocks for healthy relationships.

John and Katie were both professionals making a good income. Both enjoyed similar leisure activities and both had congruent aspirations for the future with regards to continuing education and preparing for retirement. The two adults appeared to “play well together” yet both were suffering from a lack of emotional connection. In the example above, Katie failed miserably when asked to repeat her husband’s concerns. John in turn had similar challenges in understanding Katie.

Just as the toddlers in the sandbox appear to be “good friends” and to be “playing nicely together,” adults often appear to make a great couple at first glance. However, a closer look at a couple’s interactions may reveal more pain than is apparent to the outside observer. Two adults share equally in the division of household labor. They both contribute financially to the maintenance of the household. They even share similar interests and upbringing, yet they both feel lonely and unappreciated. Goleman Emotional Intelligence gives a number of reasons for this.

Authentic connection requires understanding another person’s perspective. Most adults believe they consider their partner’s thoughts and feelings when negotiating personal needs. Surprisingly most are not as skilled at this process as they believe. One quick test to determine how good you are at this is to ask your partner. State what you believe to be their opinion or how you think they feel about a situation. If you are correct, they will let you know. If you’ve missed the boat, work on your listening skills. If your partner reports something very different than was said. If you learn something that makes you feel uncomfortable the second time around, chances are you’re on the right track. Take the risk that your partner will understand your discomfort and feel the connection.

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Getting Married Abroad

With the growing popularity of weddings abroad, more couples than ever before are considering the option of jetting away and celebrating their wedding in a unique and fabulous location.

I know from personal experience the decision to get married abroad is not one you make lightly and there definitely are both advantages and disadvantages in having your wedding abroad.

So how do you know if getting married abroad is right for you?

Firstly, the most important factor to remember is that the decision to get married abroad is very personal and it’s not something anyone else can do for you – you will need to weigh up all the pros and cons and give each a measure of importance to you as a couple.

For Sharon and Simon, the decision to have a destination wedding began after they started planning a traditional wedding in their hometown. As their plans progressed, Sharon commented that “it just didn’t feel right to us, neither of us felt overjoyed about this type of wedding”. During a planning session, her partner Simon casually mentioned that he would love to get married in a tropical rainforest and immediately they both knew this was how they wanted to celebrate their wedding day.

So after many long discussions, Sharon and Simon made the decision to cancel their big affair in their hometown but were very apprehensive about informing their family and friends of their change in plans. Sharon said, “we had needlessly put ourselves through a lot of anguish, pondering whether cancelling was the right decision, and about the reactions we would receive. Everyone surprised us saying it was a fantastic idea, and gave us their full support, so we worried needlessly about pleasing everyone all along”.

From her experiences, Sharon advice to all couples is that “if the idea of breaking with conformity, and disappointing family and friends is hindering your decision to have a wedding abroad, my advice is go for it. I guarantee you will be pleasantly surprised at the reaction you receive from those you inform. Once you take the plunge, your wedding takes on a whole new magical feel and then your choices are limitless”. So what do other couples say that’ve had their wedding abroad?

The following list of advantages and disadvantages comes from the real life experiences of couples who have had a destination wedding.

The Advantages of Getting Married Abroad.

• Our choice of destinations and locations was endless.

• We had our wedding in a unique and spectacular setting. The photos were amazing!

• The cost of getting married abroad was significantly cheaper than if we’d of had our wedding at home.

• The planning was easy and stress free because we hired the services of a wedding planner.

• We didn’t get caught in the conveyer-belt of the traditional weddings, where couples often find themselves having the same format and style as every other wedding simply because there is no scope to do anything else.

• Our families had a special week on holiday together, it made our wedding more than just a day, and it ensured that only our nearest and dearest attended, rather than the 150 guests at the evening reception made up of the obligatory people from work and our parents’ friends.

• Our friends and family were really relaxed and they enjoyed it so much more as it was a holiday for them. The atmosphere was amazing and the weather was perfect.

• The entire day & location reflected our personalities. It was also more intimate and a lot more relaxed than it would have been at home.

The Disadvantages of Getting Married Abroad

• Some loved-ones simply couldn’t attend, and their absence was really felt.

• It may cost your guests more to attend your wedding abroad and you do need to be mindful of this. Some guests may feel a little resentful about this fact.

• You have to go with the flow a bit more when you get married abroad. If you are using a wedding planner or a tour operator, it is not always possible to be as hands on as you may like.

• Logistically it can be quite hard. When I planned my table decorations and favours, for example, I forgot that I had to actually ship them all to the venue!

• If you’re using foreign suppliers you may not get EXACTLY what you want. For example, my bouquet was slightly different to what I expected, but it was still beautiful.

• You may be taking risks with suppliers. I booked our chapel, hair & makeup, photographer and restaurant all over the internet based on recommendations picked up in wedding forums! It was risky but it all came off perfectly. If you can handle the risk then go for it!

 

 

How to keep the magic alive in your marriage

Relationships are as brittle as glass might be. You therefore have to treat your partner with respect and love always to ensure that they are satisfied and that they do not get to walk out on you soon. This article gives you a glimpse of some of the things that you can do in your relationship in order to keep the relationship burning.

Picnics are known to work in this interest. Take your partner for outs and have fun. Buy food stuffs and clothes at the mall, travel to the national parks, the museum or even go watch the waters flowing at your nearest river. Some of these things might interest your partner. It is important to take initiative and do them without waiting for the partner to prompt you.

Have you ever though of breakfast or dinner in bed? This is another technique that has been keeping the magic alive in many relationships. It gives your partner a feeling of belonging basing on the care that comes with it. Leaving your partner asleep and relieving them the stresses of making breakfast is very comforting.

Sending flowers and gifts to your partner when they do not expect it is also another thing that works lots of wonders in the relationship. It also helps to build your affection and also how other people perceive your relationship.

Writing poems is considered cliche but still works in a couple of settings. You can use the poem to exonerate your partner by telling them all the good things in life. Men usually have the responsibility of doing so.

There are many other things that you can do in order to keep the fire burning in a relationship. These tips apply to married couples. Youthful relationships are more explosive because each of the individuals wants to be seen in the limelight and would do anything, not matter how weird it is to keep their partner happy.

Navigating the Power Struggle Stage of Your Relationship

Let’s face it at some time or another almost every healthy relationship suffers a breakdown where one or both parties are ready to walk out the door. This is the natural ebb and flow. As much as you want your intimate relationship to work out sometimes it just does not seem possible. The differences between the two of you may seem to create a chasm where all the unmet needs and hurtful words get dumped like an emotional landfill. The power struggle stage of any relationship is inevitable and will most likely surface around year three after the lust, attraction, and love drug phase wear off.

Suggestion #1 Many times the way your partner relates to you speaks to you, or mistreats you is not directed at you, but an old wound from his past directed at his parent, an ex, or an employer. Each time he mistreats you ask him this:
How much of this is in the here and now and how much of this is your past coming forward?
Any chance you are projecting your feelings for your ex (Mom, Dad, or boss) on me?
That will cause him to stop and think. You may not get the satisfaction of admittance, but you may settle down a heated argument and make him aware.

Suggestion #2 Think about the main need not being fulfilled in your relationship. Now take a slow deep breath and be honest with yourself. What is the relationship need that you may be looking to your partner to meet that you are perfectly capable of meeting for yourself? When and where have you decided that he was the only means to getting this need met?

This concept is to empower you, not blame yourself. Many times we show up in our relationships as an unempowered guest that gets disappointed by the host. Make an empowered list of ways that you can meet this sexual, emotional, physical, financial need independently. That will liberate you and remove your own frustration and disappointment.

Suggestion #3 Decide what your role is in the relationship. Often we enter into relationships and set up one or more of these roles for ourselves: cleaning lady, care giver, mother, financial provider, sexual liaison, mistress, selfless martyr, etc without being totally aware. Perhaps your partner took advantage of your kindness; perhaps you gave out of neediness. Perhaps you took advantage of your partner’s softness. Now go back to the beginning of the relationship. What role may have you inadvertently set up with your partner that you or he never agreed to? What possibly did you over give…sex, money, cleaning, childcare, availability, career, values, or time? What did you overtake or control? Where did you settle for less than you deserved or compromise yourself or compromised your partner against your better judgment?

Define a new role for yourself. Ask your partner to define his new role. Create balanced relationship agreements that fit with your own needs and lifestyle. Go back and gently reclaim what you once gave away. Remember this change may upset the dynamics of the relationship that may have previously tipped the scale in your partner’s favor or vice versa. It is better to upset the dynamics than to continue compromising.

Suggestion # 4 Expectations and Fantasy set us up for disappointment. Expectations are not who your partner is, fantasy is not who you are, reality is who you both are. Look for areas in the relationship that leave you or your partner feeling let down. Whether it is in the bedroom, domestic chores, paying bills, being more romantic, spending more time together, how do you feel your partner never delivered what was expected of him? How may your partner feel you never delivered what was expected of you?

Now take a minute and ask yourself if these are expectations you assumed he would fulfill because that’s what you saw your father or mother do? Are these expectations that an ex partner once fulfilled? Or being very honest with your self did these agreements happen in your head? Now ask your partner the same questions. Now both of you ask yourselves this: Did I directly ask for my needs with “I need” statements, not “you don’t” statements?

Men need details laid out in exact terms before hand, not after the fact. Most guys don’t possess the intuitive or nurturing qualities that women possess. Believe it or not he will need to know there is a benefit in it for him. So voice your needs, then let him know what’s in it for him and you will get a better response. If you still can not seem to get his participation, repeat suggestion # 2 and gently let him know the benefit he will miss out on.

Suggestion # 5 Forgiveness is not a verb; it is a process for a woman. For a woman to achieve forgiveness she needs to go through the grieving cycle like a death, the death of trust. When trust is broken for a man he leaves the relationship or flips a brain switch which allows him to move on. This is not physiologically or emotionally possible for a woman. A woman’s brain is wired to release forgiveness in small bits as she grieves. Forgiveness comes from self soothing, talking about the pain, hurt, and betrayal, going through anger, denial and tears. Each time you bring up the injustice you are needing validation and remorse from your partner. This process will be repeated many times in order for the female brain to make sense of the pain, release bits of forgiveness, and complete healing. If your partner thwarts this process in an attempt to stop his own discomfort, he interferes with this healing and forgiveness cycle.

Magic of making up

Being in a relationship is one of the best things that could happen to someone. Contrary, there are times when things get complicated, messed-up and sometimes ugly. This happens and will continue to happen till extinction of the human race. Yet the hope for lovely relationship does not end there. Trust me, you can get your ex back and rekindle the love and those lovely moments you once shared.

I was one who thought myself to be invincible and had similar feeling for the state of my relationship. Then came the clouds of darkness and my world was turned upside down. My Girlfriend whom I loved so much (more than me and my life) was now acting so harsh, so rude and so different than I ever imagined in my life. I was confused and quite clueless. I wondered how can I get my ex back. My relationship and love life was completely shattered. I must admit that there was a moment where an idea about suicide came in mind. I consulted many friends, referred to books and even tried the professional help of a relationship counselor. Some worked (very less) while other methods simply backfired.

I realized that I needed advice from a real expert. I was lucky to find system by T. W. Jackson that helped me a great deal to bring back her, her love and the wonderful life. Those troublesome days are long gone and now I am living my dream life. Thank god and thanks to Mr. T. W. Jackson.

Why I have no problem in recommending Magic of Making Up by T. W. Jackson

It did magic for me and my life:

If at the time of breakup with my GF my life was hell then I am surely now in heaven. The system is truly life transforming and has got some sort of magic potion. It introduces me to some of the big secrets about a relationship. “The secrets” because it’s harder to even think about them until someone explains them to you. The magic behind the magic of making up is that if you follow his instructions and practice those daily, you will certainly get your ex back.

Helped me to find expectations of my partner were:

I was really amazed to find the contrast in my offerings and her expectations. I was offering her the stuff and gifts while all she demanded was time to spend together.

Lets you to focus on key cause and provides the method for rectification

I have now learned that before knowing those secret I was ever engaged in doing the things that were going nothing good to my relationship. What I was doing was like scraping the wound as an attempt to heal it. I was so stupid ….But is now I am completely different person.

I also like the way in which I was introduced and the manner in which the things were presented to me. At first I was not able to understand (agree) many of those points. There were times when I asked myself “do I now need to do this …” but once I lowered my ego and worked over those very valid points the outcome was great. “MY Love WAS BACK IN MY LIFE” and I owe it all to the Magic of Making up. It truly showed me what I needed to change within myself to get my ex back and I am so grateful.

As a summary to this great system I can say that most of us are not aware about the things that matter and work over hit-and-trial methods. Problem is not where we usually search for it.

If you are also having any sort of issue in your relationship then my advice is to try Magic of Making Up by T. W. Jackson. I do not have a least bit of uncertainty for effectiveness of this wonderful system.

There is nothing more joyful, relaxing and wonderful than a happy relationship with your partner. Love life is all about acting with calm mind and T. W. Jackson‘s system will let you know the correct path to follow and soon you’ll be on your way to getting back with you ex.

6 ways to get you ex boyfriend back

Getting back an ex boyfriend is not impossible. Thousands of couples break-up everyday but only few of them get back together. Learn how you can be among those few who DO get back together by doing and NOT doing certain things. Here are 6 ways to get your ex boyfriend back.

1. Have a plan. Proper planning can make impossible feats possible. If you want to achieve the extraordinary like finding 6 ways to get your ex boyfriend back then you need a plan to make that happen.

2. Fill your days with positive energy. It is tough to remain positive when you feel as though the world is crashing down around you and your heart is breaking but learning to do this will help him see you in an entirely different light.

3. Open your communication lines again. Usually, couples shut down their communication lines from their ex only to avoid the pain of hearing from him again or from being tempted at getting back at him.

4. Timing should be your best policy. With properly introducing yourself again after some time of not being together, you will surely get the right attention at the right time.

5. By no means personally inform him that you really want him back. The odds are, he’s lacking you too. Play a little bit bit arduous to get and let him remember why he misses you and needs you back. Whatever you do don’t overplay this card, because it could have disastrous consequences for you.

6. Force your self to be laid back and even confident if you find yourself around him. Do not stress your self out worrying about speaking things by way of with him. Most guys prefer girls that know what’s finest for them.

Here are another 6 ways to get your ex boyfriend back once communication methods with your ex have been worked out and opened.

mutual friends
letter
ad in the paper
email
text
instant message

A crushed heart can be terrible thing.The 6 ways to get you ex boyfriend back are very powerful. It is a difficult situation to overcome however it can be even more difficult once you’re still in love with your ex. How can you get over your ex if you’re intensely in love with her even now? Most of the time you can’t, so if you’re considering contracting your ex once more you’re possibly thinking it is a lost cause. In reality you’re divided; it is the ending right? Not like that. In reality all you desire is a strategy that gives you some helpful know-how guidelines to get your ex boyfriend back.

Tips And Ideas For Creating A Memorable Panama Beach Wedding

Many of us have daydreamed about the day when we will walk down the isle ever since childhood, right down to the gown we will wear, what our hair will look like, and the colors in our bouquet. Planning your wedding, although tremendously exciting, can often feel overwhelming without some sort of guidance.

When someone gives you a gift for your Panama wedding, even if you say “thank you” to them personally, always send a card in the mail thanking them for the gift. In this modern world of technology we often think that social media sites or text messages suffice for a thank you from a wedding. This simply is not true and it is tacky to not send thank you cards for wedding presents.

A good thing for the bride to keep in mind is that you want to make sure that to have an emergency makeup kit on hand for your special day. This is helpful in case of last minute situations that might cause your makeup to get messed up.

Prioritize your wedding budget. Decide what you must have and what you can skimp on. If you have your heart set on a certain location take it, but realize that you are going to spend less on everything else. Deciding what means the most to you allows you to stay within budget and get what you really want.

When taking dance lessons for your first dance, do not get fixated on learning a routine. It may be tempting at first, but when you will actually get out on the dance floor you will be counting steps which will in turn make you look a bit robotic. So try to learn how to lead and follow instead.

Avoid financial miscommunication by openly discussing your Panama City Beach wedding budget with your parents as soon as possible. Talk with each set of parents separately and discuss what they feel comfortable contributing. Often times they will elect to pay for a specific aspect of the Panama beach wedding rather than a set dollar amount.

Consider having an early wedding and turning your reception into a brunch. If you need to save money, one area that you can trim from is the meal. Dinner tends to be very expensive, so moving the reception to earlier in the day will save you money; you will also have the rest of the day to spend alone as a couple.

Planning for your big day does not have to feel overwhelming, by listening to advice and suggestions of those who have gone before you, you can organize the day of your dreams with a minimum of stress and anxiety. You might even find that you enjoy planning for your Panama Beach wedding almost as much as the big event itself!